Reflections of a Heart in Pain

My morning writing has me ponder thoughts and feelings I have for someone very dear to me. You see, I received a text from them yesterday as I was driving to my workout session with my trainer, that they were moving. And their new home would be thousands of miles away. 

My heart sank and the tears started streaming down my face. My contacts became blurry and I was supposed to walk into the gym ready for action. I wanted to run away as far as I could from the feeling of this pain and at the same time I wanted to go into that gym and punch the daylights out of that bag hanging from the ceiling. 

I put my sunglasses on and walked into the gym asking my trainer for a few minutes. I needed to collect myself. I want no one in on these feelings. He looked at me and asked if I was ok? And I replied “let’s get to it!”  I wanted him to work me hard and punish myself – perhaps that would take the pain away and I wouldn’t feel anymore. 

I pushed through the workout- pushing my emotions away and forcing my mind to be angry instead of feeling grief. I got through it and left the gym. No sooner did I get in the car and the floodgates opened once again for the tears to fall.

So many emotions – angry at myself for letting myself feel this way and sadness for having to say goodbye to someone who means so much to me. 

I called my Mom as so many daughters do in these times and she let me be angry and she let me speak ill of myself and she let me be sad, just listening as she often does. My Mom had some wise things to say , sharing her years of experience with me. I listened through my tears and my anger, knowing she loves me and she was giving me the best advice she could. I wanted to beat myself up for allowing myself to feel so much for someone once again and feeling like they don’t reciprocate those same level of feelings. 

I felt like I had come so far on my own personal internal work, how could I let this happen? Why hadn’t I transcended this and just felt love in my heart with no “attachment” and let it go? Why did I still feel this level of pain? I don’t know.

I couldn’t let them see what was happening on the inside. I wanted no one around me. I wanted the world to go away. I wanted the pain to go away.

I drove to the grocery store knowing I needed to get ice for my friend and sat there in the parking lot and just let myself cry. Some guy putting his groceries in his car just starred at me and I wanted to just yell at him and ask him “what the hell are you staring at?”  However, it knew it was my need to push the world away as well as the pain. 

I picked up the ice and I started walking toward what I knew would always soothe my heart – books! The world of books has always been my solace every since I was a little girl. I could get lost in worlds imagined in authors minds and I could forget about my own. They have given me comfort, made me laugh, helped me to become a better person and let me know that love is possible against any and all odds that the world presents to us.

And what did my eyes see , but a book from Elizabeth Gilbert on the writing life! I loved her book – Eat,Pray,Love – I think all of us women can relate to pieces of that book. The book I picked up was called Big Magic, Creative Living Beyond Fear. I thought to myself – Once again, the world of writing calls me home. 

I knew delving into this book would see me through the night and help me sleep. I also picked up a magazine – REAL SIMPLE , all about organizing. I wanted to control something, anything.Cleaning out closets or kitchens or garages when I feel like my life is swirling has always helped ground me. 

I arrived home to take care of my friend, made him some dinner, and I made myself a bowl of popcorn with parmesean cheese and truffle oil and poured a glass of wine. I needed comfort.

Exhausted from the emotions of the day, the physical workout my trainer put me through and the responsibilities that come from taking care of someone after an operation had taken their toll. I needed to go upstairs and find sleep.

I curled up in my favorite pajamas and “boyfriend sweater” , did I go to sleep? No! I opened up those little gifts I just bought and started reading. Elizabeth Gilbert spoke to me and asked me if I had the courage to share my writing gifts with the world? Once again, the Universe was telling me what I needed to hear.

My eyes were heavy and I couldn’t fight them anymore. I turned the light off, pulled the book to my heart and pulled the covers over me. 

This morning I awoke with a little less pain but still an ache that I knew wasn’t going away anytime soon. My friend and I would meet for lunch one last time before he moved. Part of me wants to see him and part of me doesn’t. Wouldn’t it just be easier for me to let him go from my heart and mind now?  If I see him, it will dredge up all those feelings and my heart will feel pain once again. 

So, as I was pondering my thoughts this morning, I bumped into one of my favorite facebook pages: Raising Vibrations and this is what was on their wall:

If you find yourself sharing your gifts in places and with people, that do not seem to want it, don’t continue to beat your head up against the wall. Release them. Let them have their own journey.
Life is too short to convince people to be aware of who you are and the value that you bring.