And so, as the world goes to brunch, sits around a barbecue, goes to church with their Mom’s, I cry.

And I turn on Hallmark to make me feel better, only to tune into a channel where a daughter has lost her Mother at 13.

Yes, I made myself watch the whole movie as the sun was shining brightly outside, knowing I should be out there enjoying. Yet, I sit..as I did this past winter when my Mother died. I went to work and I came home and watched Hallmark movies. Everyday, I did the same thing for months. Shutting myself off from the world in hopes that the pain would somehow go away and I would wake up and my Mom would still be there.

As the days moved on, just as the winter thaw began and the snowdrops came, I woke up just a little bit. And suddenly I realized I had a good day. The daffodils began to bloom and the air became a litter warmer.

And I woke up just a little more. And I had a few more good days.

So now, the tulips take their turn , in all their glory – reds, yellows- rows and rows of them can be found in the gardens and streets as we drive by.

And the days get a little warmer and I have a few more good weeks.

The calendar suddenly turns itself to a special day in May. A day we honor the giver’s of our lives – our Mothers.

And the tears once again begin to fall and the need to shut the world out begins again. I watch the entire Hallmark movie where the Nanny had also lost her Mom when she was 16 and the love of God sends the Nanny to this family to heal the 13 year old girl.

And I cried and I cried some more.

The show ended and I turned off the TV, knowing I must move on with the day. I grab a tissue and walked up to my office where I now sit typing this. And as I looked over to the pile of my Mom’s writings that I promised to publish for her. I found this:

 My body moves and breathes,
   From inside I watch it and wonder
how and why it does. 
For my spirit lies curled and huddled
   grieving and still.
The “me” of truth lies within
   In pain, in sorrow, in Stillness
Encompassed by darkness
   and a void
nurturing itself
   Healing ever so slowly
One moment at a time.

D.E.A.  Oct. 12, 1996

Thank you Mom.. I know you hear me, I know you are watching me. I know you know what I’m feeling.

I love you to the Moon and back and I miss you everyday.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom,
Kim